I once did a favour for a friend, and felt really good about myself. Later, I recall hinting and pushing in subterranean ways for recognition, causing tension between us. In time I realised that wanting recognition had detracted from what I’d first offered with an open heart. And that due to my friend’s circumstances at the time, it was unfair to load up the generosity with expectation.
Making everything even and fair all the time takes a lot of effort.
Much energy goes towards the balancing of the books, as though absolute fairness might be the primary goal of human activity.
We’re supposed to know what we want from every situation.
Am I getting what I want? Is it fair or unfair, is it balanced? Am I owed something or do I owe? Is this helping me fulfil my potential?
It’s seen as wrong to owe something, or not know how to repay someone. Its seen as unwise to give something, and not be able to calculate the “return on investment.”
No one wants to bear the guilt of an uneven exchange.
But when we give a true gift, or express generosity outside the structure of obligation and equality, something happens.
The gift is extra. It is the knowledge that someone has been present with you. Another person thought of you. Not out of obligation, or social code. They paused long enough to consider you. They paid attention.
And perhaps you did not even want them to think of you, or to pay you attention. Perhaps they were clumsy, and did not get it right. It’s not your choice. They thought of you.
The word gift is equivalent in many Germanic languages to the word poison. ('Das gift' in german literally means poison).
This may be derived from the influence of Greek ‘dosis’, which means ‘a giving, or a portion prescribed’, referring to an amount of medicine given by a physician.
The art of receiving the gift is to stand still in the moment of receiving, and not immediately be thinking of whether you want the thing, or how you can repay this person, to make it equal.
Let the gift sit there, in its unevenness. Let it have its moment.
The giver must also not demand a response. In demanding gratitude, you may undo the gift.
A true gift will change the colour of things, even just a little, change the balance. Like medicine. Or poison.
Doctor and patient have separate roles. And likewise, a gift is not about equality.
Generosity requires something of us both as giver and receiver. It will slow you down. In the case of the favour to my friend it produced discomfort, followed by tension. It probably resulted in deepening our friendship, but not in a way that I could have calculated.
Perhaps it is difficult to pause long enough to consider what the accurate gift might be, even if it is just a gesture, with a certain patience at the right moment.
Perhaps it is rare to think that one has the power of the small true ‘dose’.
